aug 21 in post adolescence

i thought i made up my mind when i bought my return ticket.
i will leave like i always do, act like i dont mind if we wont see each other again.
but i was wrong.

i didnt feel confident about my choice when i looked at the ticket.
its like i already chose the strawberry tart but still think about cheese cake,
wondering which one tastes better, the one in my plate or the one in others plate

long before i came here, i decided to come back home after the course finishes.
i didnt have any fantasy of living in the foreign place.
for me, i just want to fulfill my dream and come back to the reality carry on my life.
neither to get that piece of paper which will possibility help me to find a job easier nor to improve my english are my dream.
my dream is to search for an answer for my question. even if i cant find the answer, i want to find the way to help me to get my answer.
well, its more like a sense of complement.
so i really appreciate my family fully understand that there is a different for me to do so in my 25 or 52.
thats why i think i need to go home when i achieve my goal.
i need to go back to reality and carry on what every human being needs to do: work.
but i never think about the possibility to work in london.

i felt weird when i found out that i wasnt 100% confidnet about my decision.
isnt that the way it should be? i kept asking myself.
life is easier in my place and i dont need to be a semi prisoner.
i know how to make my life easier, where i should go to run away from the reality and where do face it.

as far as i can remember, my parents almost never ask me to accept their choice, the choice that parents always think its better than yours.
so i am always the center of my university. i do whatever i wanted to then i will ask them to help me physically and financially .
i am not saying i am spoiled or my parents dont care about me.
on the contrary , they really respect my choice for my life
sometimes i feel bad for them to have a lazy child like me.
they could be a happy couple without me without all the sacrifices they made for the family.
therefore, the main reason i want to go home is because i realized that its the time i should do something for my family.
but how? i dont know, what can i do? i dont know.

the other reason is this master course really took a lot of money (their money).
i know i cant make that much money even if i was in tw but my whatever i wanted to do behavior has more or less put my family in the position that they have to defense for me.
there is still a part of me aware that being an eldest child i have to take my responsibility.
if my parents can give up their dreams for the family, maybe i shouldnt only think about myself but also my sis and bro who also have their dreams.

however, when i told my friend here that i decided to go home a lot of them (actually all of them) told me that i should stay.
they said, you want to work in the music or film industry plus you like them so much, where would you go apart from london?
but i told myself, there are still things i can do in tw and besides there is no job guarantee here either. i might be more competitive if i go back to tw.
then eventually, i found out this is only a self defense mechanism, like after i took the strawberry tart i kept persuading myself that cheese cake would make me fat.

at this moment, the key player showed up again and of course he made it again.
so i squeezed sometime to talk to my mom a night before i went to scotland (and i wasnt packing yet).
what surprised me is when my mom said "i was wondering why you want to go home imminently, you have done your study there, why not give yourself a try?"
right, mom why dont you tell me earlier...
then i told her my concern about family responsibility and she surprised me again
"how much money you think you can earn if you come back?"
.....truth always hurts
but she jumped into the next part quickly and said she appreciated that i thought about the family.
i think my mom watched too much crap tv shows cuz and then she said
"you are still young, no family not even boyfriend, why do you want to come back so quickly? you wont have a chance like this anymore".
the truth hurts me again but also i saw the sunshine from the clouds.
finally, i can get rid of the could upon me: i am the person who run away.

at that time, i thought leaving is better than staying.
to let others say goodbye to me is easier than see them off.
but the truth is even if i leave i will leave with sorrow and I will regret

i have no job offer, no place to stay and even my dissertation is not finish yet.
maybe after few months i will be home because there is absolutely hopeless for me but at least i didnt give up myself first.
and besides, thats what home is , i can come back anytime and they will always be there and support me no matter what i choose.
 
my dearest family you are always my priority
thank you