aug 21 in post adolescence

好久沒有進行部落格的部分 我覺得好對不起他

不能說空白的這段日子沒有任何感受 但的確是越來越少

形容這段時間 我像是行屍走肉 也不是特別過份的說法

遇見了一些事 產生了一些想法 但是這些想法 總是不能靜靜的 慢慢的 跟以前一樣 跟他們對話

這些期間困擾我最大的問題 莫過於 三十而立 

(((但是我要強調 下筆的此時此刻 我仍然是28歲!)))

渡過了作家口中的 青澀歲月

經過了自認為最美好的時光  early 20s

穿越了音樂家傳奇的27 club

here i am, trying to look ahead

就快要30歲 立志 立業 立家 或是只能立正站好 立即消失

i dont know 

但是我 (不知道是那一個我) 告訴我 該去找出答案來

否則 我只會繼續煩惱下去 有沒有答案 我不知道 但是這樣的旅程 似乎是 勢在必行

最近很喜歡一首歌 arcade fire, my body is a cage

破題是這樣的 

"my body is a cage that keeps me from dancing with the one i love but my mind holds the key"

它給了我莫名的信心 對於 尋找 這件事情

一陣子以前 我寫信跟一個朋友說

我覺得 要找到自己最好的方法 就是要先讓自己完全的迷失

沒有錯過 怎麼知道 "對" 是什麼樣的感覺

一如在工作上 從好多錯的感覺裡 體會到 對的美好

以一個少數的身份掙扎 但是到現在 漸漸開始覺得 要被同化了 成長停滯了

我想要出走 我在計畫出走 

也許之後我可以回答這個問題 也許我不能 也許...i will overcome the issue. it wont be an issue for me anymore

看完有些令我驚訝的x men: first class 我在左手手腕上 劃上一個X 

可是 我沒有變異 我不是x men wanna be 

沒有超能力 我卻失去了兩種能力 最近我深深的體會到

說實話 與 專心聆聽

不是說謊 而是 無法真正的表達自己的心意 想法 情緒

其實有50分不喜歡 不過只說了50分喜歡的那部份

明明連自己都無法認同的事 只因為其他人都沒有異意 就打馬虎眼過去了

很生氣的時後 我應該要發飆的 卻只有冷淡的結束對話 還是想做個禮貌的人

於是 所有不開心的 通通留下 每天我都接近自怨自艾的想 

為甚麼 這些人不能夠多為別人著想 

在不為難自己的前題下 在基本禮貌的前題下 在生活常識的前題下

於是這種自我無法獲得滿足的狀態轉化為 自我中心

連我自己都察覺到 我越來越容易打斷他人的談話

讓話題又扯回自己身上 

稍稍的不順心如意 就開始抱怨 我只想要別人聽我說 因為我有理!

充耳不聞 視若無睹 與我無關之事

這個時候 我就希望我的超能力是吃不胖

因為 我又想拿起一塊巧克力 朝著 我偏執的機車王形象走去

掌控不了的外部世界 我能主導的... 食物 可能是少數的選項之一

to be or not to be

sometimes i wish there are fewer choices. 

more options bring more dilemma of giving up or keep on going.

sometimes i wish there are only two kind of people in this world, good ones and bad ones. 

and they dont change side depending on the situation. 

that would be so much easier to like and hate someone and make up my mind.

but between black and white, there's a great gray area which most of us walk in it.

being realistic or be happy? most of the time, we just compromise becuz we dont want to be too selfish or brutal.

should i judge someone based on his/her personal behavior even though i have no personal relationship with this person?

what happens off the count should not be brought in the count, but is it true in real cases? then i guess Beckham wont become the most famous football player ever. 

the world is too dangerous and complicated  becuz of you and me and everyone else. 

if only there is one person that i can believe in regardless how crazy the scenario is.

if only there is one good person, my choice would be much obvious. 

why sitting in the room like a couple who dont love each other anymore, only stay together to give their children a complete "home".

i am tired, really tired.

sleep only 4 hours a day, sorry i am not Napoleon, i dont want to conquer any land.

watch less than 20 movies a year, i know i am not writing IMDB but thats what makes me Elsie.

i can barely come up with my annual top 10 becuz the new artist i know a year is less than 10.

the picture i took doesn't tell a story. the story i wrote has no statement. the statement, i made no statement...

papers, postcards, posters and flyers lying on my desk, they look no different from recycle paper but they are the message from all over the world.

tear, i can not store them anymore in my eyes but i cant find a good excuse to release them.

my heart is like a peeled fruit, vulnerable but keep inviting for the moment of smash. becuz it's necessary.

there is no glow in my eyes, no child lives in my heart hanse no creativity.

the world i used to know collapse in front of me. the rising city, i dont know, not even a little.  

i am tired, but most importantly, i lost my confidence, i feel incapable.

same thing keeps happening to the same people, that's the person's problem, not the rest of world.

thing would be different if i knew what i should do and how to do it.

it's no need to work overtime every day, and it should not be either. 

be stronger, be tougher, be better.

去年 這個時候 我在天氣異常良好的倫敦 打包

翻開記事本 全是空白 只有一個代表倒數八天的8

大箱子 小箱子 鞋盒子 空罐子 攤在眼前 伴隨不時來看房子的人 加深了這一切不真實的可能性

我記得 我告訴你 這天 我去了郵局 把那一份要給你的禮物 寄了出去 一切都因為某次的酒後失言

今天 我一如往常走進公司 打開電腦 翻開工作記事本 待辦事項 跳出

黃色便條 白色分機表 綠色螢光筆 藍色釘書機 黑色咖啡 一天的開始

不是從郵差手上 每天我都收到十幾封的信 一年卻沒看到你有幾封來信 

時間過去了 世界變了 所以... 我想 只在乎曾經擁有是騙人的

there is something if you told yourself to forget it then you will probably never forget it. 

but the reason why you need to get that thing or idea out of your head is because it completely occupied your mind. 

you know it must goes but somehow sometime somewhere there is one thing, just a very general and random thing reminds you of whatever you want to forget. 

why??? because you still care of whatever you want to forget.

when others say one day you will be alright it's true just they didnt mention that the required time is indefinite. 

today, i proved it again this day has not yet to come. i still care of your existing.  

我有一個習慣 最大的受害者 是我的家人 其次 是我的朋友

對於沒有去過 但是想去的地方 我拒絕看相關的照片 描述 當然還有影片

我的電腦裡 不會有別人拍的遼闊的巴塔哥尼亞高原 也沒有雷克雅維克的窗戶 或是 馬爾地夫的小屋

旅遊節目 介紹我想去的地方 我一定轉台 即使有家人在看 我也會“委婉“的請他們轉台

我也幾乎不看別人寫的旅行部落格 除非是介紹了甚麼便宜的旅館 或是 換錢點

對於很多人喜歡介紹的必買物 我也是興趣缺缺 除非我內心 莫名認定 某種物品與國家的關係

因為 我不想要有既有的想法 我不想要看到 別人佔用我的夢想 

我想要 最初的感動 最真的失望

最近 變嚴重了 我連去過的地方 都不想要看到了

不想要看到倫敦 不想要看到倫敦的照片

卻又開始尋找東西 希望在某一本書裡面 某一個包包裡 找到一個曾經熟悉的品牌 再吸一口熟悉的氣味

不能承受我以失去那樣的生活 自由的 藝術的 不切實際的 也許的

我好像 比較喜歡 活在那樣設定下的我 

跑步 卻永遠沒有終點

划船 卻永遠不會前進

騎車 卻永遠無法轉彎

上樓梯 下樓梯 吸氣 吐氣 開 合 開 合

people don't give up their gym membership becuz of the recession

this is our modern life 

we work hard to live the desirable life we want. 

but some how, work kills our mind, our health and our life.

then when we decide to give it up.

next, we realize that we have a life but can't make a living.

are we really making our move to the ideal world we image?

or we just make ourselves believe that we are on the right track?

how you value that when you have to spend a week even a month on a project for the sense of achievement, while a simply i miss you from certain people can make you smile 10 times brighter? 

i like my family and friend, i like music, movie and art, i like traveling and being with myself. and i like my job as well. 

but you see, there's still an order. 

play karma police please. 

 人生會面臨一個情況 就是

你覺得這一章似乎要結束了

不過 卻不知道下一章要如何開始

然而 你了解 也認為 有寫下去的必要

我已經過了抱怨這個世界不斷跟我作對的年紀了

這個世界不只是跟我作對而已

如果別人可以適應

那 我為什麼不可以呢

我不是世界的中心

我不是唯一世界上得不到我想要的人

我不是不知道該有一個夢然候要想盡辦法去實現它

讓我再想想 該怎麼寫下去

what makes me "me"?

that's the question to think about for me. 

no, it's not about the meaning of life. 

it's about if i decompose myself, what kind of elements will be lying on the table? 

so i make a list

if i were a piece of article, the key words would be:

tasteless food, road movie, shoes, compulsory behavior, lazy, alcohol, football, valentino rossi, sigur ros, blur, fan, think, ambient, paint, hand made, green, free will.    

dot dot dot.

while at the same time i'd very much like to know what do you think about me.

please feel free to drop your opinions.

射手們

你知道你們忽高忽低 忽快忽慢的情緒

旁邊的人 是很困擾的

我知道這也是你們最有個性的地方

只是 人來瘋的小丑獅子我 跟不上

我很困擾 但 更氣餒

表面的和平 風度 內在都不知道內爆幾回了

栽了

i am back home.

cant sleep in the first night despite i havent sleep very well for a while, i cant sleep on my own bed the first day i am home.

i talked to my sister for a while night then i fell into sleep in the morning.

i told her the stroy between me and him and we realized we have the same problem with we face a relationship.

the next day, i still cant sleep. it's not becuz of jet lag.

so i talked to my mom for anoter night.

i told her i had this strange feeling before boarding.

i went to england almost 2 years ago, i know no one there it was a completely strange place to me. 

but the day i was leaving, i felt so sad and i was actually crying in public.

then i played the crying light from antony and the johnsons twice.

i decided not to hide this feeling although i dont know why i felt sad.

i dont know why my sadness is stronger than happiness. 

i watched Moto GP with my brother on sunday then we all go to the tomato beef noodle diner.

i sat on my brother's bike, i like this moment.

we dont talk much but bike links us together.

becuz of bike i am not a serious big sister for him.

everything seems the same not changed much since i left.

but i found out that the color in my room is not as bright as it used to.

so i decided i am going to paint it again. and remove all the pics as a gesture to move on.

my grand parents are getting older, smaller and weaker.

but i was soooooo happy when my grandma said to me "you are back!"

her health condition isnt so good in recently years and she forgot some people some things.

all her membery shuffled and mixed up. she is almost 90 years old.

it must be hard to carry all the happy and sad membery for all these years.  

looked at her, i wonder what will i be when i am old.

i know i am not good enough.

despite i earned valuable experience, i am not experienced yet.

i want to try my best and make it work.

我決定 不鎖起來了

美勞 我做完了

信我寫完了

消息 我也打探完了

能做的我都做完了

完了 這一切 都在現在完成式當中 結束了

未來式 有沒有 決定落在你身上了

我要去打包了 帶著難以分析歸類的情緒 回家了

我希望

有一天 可以牽著你的手 走過公園

有一天 不用忍受孤獨 是享受孤獨

有一天 不用說你都懂 你通通都懂

我平凡的不能再平凡 卻沒有遇到多少人能體會

像是在外太空 我的生物訊息 沒有生物收到

飄飄盪盪 又 飄飄盪盪

在扮演別人過程中 我喪失了

真實面對的自我

if i ask, would you say it?

if you feel it why dont you say it?

if it's only me why dont you ignore me?

if we can only be friends, why made me feel this way?

if i meant to lose you, why let me keep finding you?

if you and i are meant to be apart, why made me meet you?

there might be a lof of me passed in your life already but you are the first one who walked into mine.

說

我可能失去你

連朋友都不是 連你好不好都無從得知

不說

我將看見別的人牽著你的手 走過公園

躺在你身邊草地的空位

跟你交換感動瞬間的眼神

everyone is unique but only you are special to me.

you are the special one but how can i tell you?

should i tell you? or let it be incompleted?

if only i can answer that.

25歲的我正在想 是不是該修正我看待人際關係的角度以及深度

我似乎太容易相信真面目是壞人的好人

而又太容易對只是需要幫助的人產生很強的防衛心

太容易以偏概全 無論是偏好 還是偏壞

回想到了歐洲之後開始的旅行 遇見了不少陌生的當地人或是也在旅行的人

我真正的打開心胸接受他們嗎 我真正的體會到了除了食物之外的文化嗎

這一些的歷練 讓我成長了多少呢？

也許我經歷了比以前更多 但真正變得幹練了嗎？

三天以前 我寫了一封信 其中 我說

...you are still the coolist music person i met so far.

i still have doubt about a lot of things but i do believe in music.

然後就音訊全無到現在

是我對於音樂不成熟的見解讓我失望

還是 我對於人類以及人際關係理解力讓我失望

我不知道 我充滿了問號

the traffic light in front of my home still count down from 47 seconds

take my metro card i travel between the places alone

just like i used to be

i see no change in this city

the city i call it home

in an unexpected occoasion i saw a lot of my family members

dont know how to start a conversation with them

chose to sit in the corner and keep silent 

just like i used to be 

yet i see a great change from them

how about me

there is a part of me actually dont want to leave

but the other me tell me this should not be the end for my plan

people maybe dont consider 25 years person an old guy

but i know that i am already too old to take my backpack and just leave without left any tears

the best memory is always bitter sweet

我回來了

和上次三個月語言課程之後輕鬆的度假心情不同

我帶著不知道是甚麼樣心情的心情 回家

坐在飛機上 我不斷想著 要用甚麼樣的態度面對江東父老

只有一年 但是 我很明確的體會自己的轉變

跟自己相處的時間多了 我變得很會想 根據友人說法 時常想太多

我也變得很需要跟自己相處 需要一個人的孤單

當我坐在從曼谷要回台灣的飛機上

四周的人 全打開報紙

一大片報紙作成的牆 包圍了我

上面寫的 不是倒閉 就是弊案 種種負面的新聞 我覺得他們越變越大 我越變越小

我真的要回來嗎

當我真正降落 身邊又再度被熟悉的人事物圍繞 好超現實

似乎我沒有真的離開過

熟悉的語言 熟悉的悶熱

一瞬間 我的電影 繼續播放

我所逃避的依然在 但是另一個世界 我卻發現更多令人難以忍受的事實

也許 這是一個長達一年的夢

無論 最後我選在哪降落 按下play的時刻 就是夢的the end